Adieu
by RoryReneeMercedees
Summary: "Jess showed me the world and now I want to run free in it." Starts off as poems in Rory's diary but will eventually show Rory's life after Jess. Adieu: French word meaning goodbye forever.
1. Chapter 1

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

Bitter sweet  
Harsh and cold  
But warm and fuzzy  
So many feelings  
Wrapped in one

She wishes she understood  
But no one will speak  
Not even a word  
They fear they'll upset her  
That she'll break down

Perhaps they are right  
She hasn't been happy  
But she just wants  
Some answers  
She's left in the dark

She's not one to morn  
Over things that leave  
She's used to it, you see  
With a father like hers  
Who was born to run

But this time is different  
He was different  
She had a connection  
One she couldn't forget

She reflects on her life  
Its quiet and cold  
Not a knock on her door,  
A snow flake, or a laugh

There's no dodger  
There's no stolen books  
Or dangerous corners  
Its just her boring old town

She hates it here now  
Its cold and unfair  
Its too small  
Too tight  
Too far down memory lane

She doesn't want to forget  
But doesn't want to remember  
She's stuck in the mud  
As June turns to September

"Goodbye" says the girl  
As he walks away  
"Adieu" comes the return  
But he's already gone 

This isn't what it looks like, I swear. I'm just venting. Not morning. I don't care. Jess is a jerk. He's… a prick and an asshole and a million other words that escape me at the moment. This was just a poem. It means nothing. Except everything.

**AN: So this is kind of an introduction… It isn't my best work by far… but its different… I guess… **


	2. Chapter 2

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

Icy blue eyes  
Stare back in the mirror  
They used to be baby blue  
But now they're turning grey

Eyeliner, eye shadow, mascara  
They outline, decorate, and pop  
But even they can't take away  
The look that's just gone grey

A smile, a laugh, a sigh, a cry  
They all look the same  
Those dull grey blue eyes  
They're beautiful but yet, not

Does anyone else notice  
The subtle changes in those  
Sparkling beautiful blue eyes  
As they were once called

Closed now  
You can't see  
The changes within  
Here we can pretend

It seems pretending is  
What works best  
For everyone  
Just smile

Don't cry  
Don't beg, don't sigh  
It'll make the changes  
All the more noticeable

Staring in mirror  
Watch the smoke fade away  
Left there stands  
Those dull blue eyes

With no tricks  
Left to play  
The best has already been played  
With a disappearing boy

This isn't what it looks like. This isn't how it seems. The boy could be anyone. It doesn't mean Jess. It can't mean Jess. But as I think back on it, that's all Jess ever was: a disappearing boy. And that was half the attraction…


	3. Chapter 3

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

If you're wondering  
I don't know

If you're thinking  
I don't know

If you're asking  
Then maybe

Life is full of doubt  
But it's also full of hope

They're opposites  
But they're connected

Just like  
Love and Hate

A tear  
Its never the end

One follows the other  
Down they trek, across the cheek

But a smile lights up  
The eyes that leaked

Both effects  
Spring from opposite things

Happiness and pain  
Show plainly in the same place

Eyes are said  
To be the window into the soul

Well tell me now  
Has mine turned black as coal?

It's harder and harder to deny, so I'm just going to say it. This book is based on Jess and Jess alone. I think I may be in love with him. And this makes me feel better. A hell of a lot better, so why should it be such a big deal that I'm writing in it? It's not. It's helping me vent. One day, when I'm over it or if Jess ever dears to come back, I'll look at this notebook and see, just how messed up I was. Or maybe I'll see only good memories. Hell only knows. All I know, is I can't change that Jess is gone. I can only change how I feel about.


	4. Chapter 4

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

He looked at her  
With a warm smile  
He smiled; he was interested  
She could tell

This could be good for her  
There are other fish  
In the sea  
Not just him

Their gazes met  
He blue eyes  
Collided with his  
A startling green

She turned away  
He smile gone  
His eyes, you see  
They were the wrong color

He followed her  
Down the hallway  
He was confused  
She didn't turn around  
As he called her name

How can someone forget  
The one thing they'd loved  
How can she move on  
When she sees him all the time

He's gone, yes  
But his ghost still haunts  
Every time she reads a book  
She sees the cramped writing  
In the margins

He's marked more than books  
He's marked her  
As the girl  
Who just wasn't worth it

She's always been loved  
And spoiled  
She's a princess  
Everyone loves her

But not him  
He walked away  
The one she loved  
Didn't love her

Its funny, really  
All the irony  
They were a cliché  
The cliché that didn't work out

Was she nothing to him  
Just a game to play  
She wonders now  
But it's too late

The boy doesn't bother  
To chase her around the corner  
He saw in her eyes  
A broken girl

There's a sigh  
He loved her  
From a far  
But she's still fighting

Fighting for something  
Afar  
Just like him…

I don't even know what inspired this. I thought of Tristan and Dean who had obviously expressed interest in me but not the way Jess did. Jess showed his attraction through books and music. His eyes said what he couldn't. But now I begin to wonder. Was it all a game? Was I just the forbidden fruit? It hurts to know that's all it could have been.


	5. Chapter 5

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

Brown hair  
Blue eyes  
A broken heart  
She walks into the store

Blond hair  
Brown eyes  
A broken heart  
She sits at the register

They stare at each other  
For the first time  
In their lives  
They understand each other

There's a moment of silence  
The clock ticks by  
Then the blond looks up  
And says, "I loved him, too."

"I know."  
It's all the brunette can say  
For this conversation  
Is far from ideal

"Yeah, but at least  
He loved you back."  
It wasn't a reply  
That she was expecting

The brunette, now frustrated  
"He didn't love me  
He left  
You don't leave the things you love"

"You do if you love them enough  
To realize they're better off  
Without you."

The explanation is short  
But the brunette stares  
At the blonde  
As she tells her story

Its not a happy tale  
Neither girl gets a happy ending  
And as the brunette turns to leave  
The product she wanted unbought

A moment of truth  
And of understanding  
Passes through them  
Once more

They may be opposite  
They may hate each other  
They may not understand  
The other's life at all

But they know one thing  
The boy  
Unpredictable, book loving  
Sarcastic, and oddly loving

He's not coming back  
Not for awhile  
And not for either of them.

As moments pass, I realize this one is my least favorite. He left. He's gone. He's not coming back. There's nothing more left to say.


	6. Chapter 6

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

She's falling from grace  
As she paces  
Back and forth  
She's not winning  
The race

Her eyes water  
How could he do this  
There was nothing  
When he left

Not a note  
A call  
A letter  
Or even a friggin  
Smoke signal

But now this  
This was officially  
Way below the belt  
It hurt too much

Its almost like  
He knew he was leaving  
This note he left  
In her margin

She sighed  
Because it said  
Everything that she  
Wanted and didn't want  
To hear

_It hard to care  
More than anything  
But have to leave  
Cuz its better off  
That way_

That's all he said  
Those words  
Were all that she  
Had left

And it wasn't enough.

It would never be enough.


	7. Chapter 7

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

The darkness looms  
Its ferocity unknown  
Its bitter contempt to all  
Is lost on its victims

There's none to speak  
None to know  
None but those  
Passed long since

The face she makes  
The feelings she feels  
Can't be guessed  
By even those  
Who know her the best

Her heart's emotions  
Locked up so very close  
The key thrown out  
The thoughts forced out

She's been there before  
The screaming silence  
The eyes so cold  
The tears so dry

She sits  
Her head down  
Her face masked  
Her pain misunderstood

Simple questions  
That's all that's asked  
That's all she needs to know  
How

How  
One word  
One answer  
Too many consequences

Fear  
Pain  
Truth  
Lies

It's has all become the same  
There's nothing but  
A slow, bitter stark hate  
Seeping into her soul

She doesn't tell a soul  
It's unlike her to be angry  
She's been through sorrow  
But never anger

That's how we know  
This time it's worse  
This time there may be  
No going back

Lines crossed  
Words are said  
What's done is done  
It's simple but harsh

She can fight it  
She can deny it  
But it won't go away  
It'll forever remain

The darkness consuming  
Innocence once there is gone  
By the unforgiving, all consuming  
Wrath of the dark, cold  
Penetrating depths  
Unknown.

I've never felt so much anger. So much hate towards one person. Until now.


	8. Chapter 8

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

Rage  
Its so easy to feel  
So easy to hate

Lay your fist in door  
Kick the wall  
Scream

It'll make you  
feel better  
take it all away

You tell yourself  
To hate  
To take away  
The pain

It works  
So very well

But then the pain  
Comes crashing down  
And you're angry  
At yourself as well

Tell yourself  
That you're okay  
But denial never helped  
To save anyone

Its not okay  
That you're falling down  
But there's no one there  
To help

So you turn your back  
Ignore the problems  
Get mad  
Not sad

It'll be okay  
If you ignore  
Everything bad

But one day  
You'll look  
At all that you've lost

You'll see it then  
But oh well, so sad  
It's all gone.

I hate him, yet I don't. I wish I could but I won't. It sucks. He sucks. But it's our fault. We ignored all of our problems. That's why he's gone. Because that's how we work best. When the going gets tough, the Jess gets going.

AN: The last line "When the going gets tough, the Jess gets going" was originally used in Degrassi. Emma says, "When the going gets tough, the Sean gets going." So its not mine. But it fit... so...


	9. Chapter 9

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

There's a boy  
In the diner  
He's got dark hair  
Spiked  
Just like _his_

His face is all wrong  
Its too long  
His nose to big  
His eyes to small  
Wrong color, too

But his hair  
It's the same color  
That raven color  
Its spiked just the same  
Crazy and wild

From the back  
You can't tell  
You could pretend  
That _he's_ still here  
That _he_ loves you

But then the boy  
Turns around  
You don't care  
That he's noticed  
Your stare

He makes his way  
Over to you  
Smirk in place  
Just like _his_  
Just not the same

This boy likes small talk  
He's open and honest  
Ready to talk  
You know you shouldn't  
But you hate this boy

He's too similar  
Too different  
To the one  
Who left you  
You can't help it

You want him to leave  
He's much too  
Intoxicating  
But he won't leave  
You alone

He likes you  
You can tell  
He says you have  
The prettiest blue eyes  
Your heart goes numb

One date  
That's all he asks  
Your friends all agree  
It's a good idea  
Get back out there

You say you'll go  
To shut them up  
You feel bad  
Because you know  
You're leading this boy on

You go  
Its surprisingly easy  
You laugh  
You smile  
You even flirt

Its dinner  
Then a movie  
A laugh  
Or two  
Along the way

Then he takes you  
For a walk  
You end up  
On a bridge  
You hate him again

This place  
Wasn't meant  
For this boy  
It was yours and _his_  
Not for him

You make an excuse  
Say you have to get going  
You run all the way home  
Because you don't want  
Anyone to see you cry

You pick up the phone  
But realize  
You don't know  
The number  
Because _he_ didn't tell you

You hate it  
It's not fair  
_He_ seemed so perfect  
So right  
For you

But now _he's_ gone  
_He_ didn't care  
Didn't even bother  
To say goodbye  
It sucks

You can't move on  
Can't get _him_  
From outta your mind  
Cuz _he's_ burned there  
Forever _his_

He's never coming back.

**AN: The italics refer to Jess. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Adieu Summary: The meaning of the word is "goodbye forever". This term is used in the longest goodbyes. Rory looks over the journal she's started and sighs. Adieu is written all over it. Why the hell did she ever start this stupid thing? And why didn't Jess bother to say goodbye? Rory's thoughts and feelings expressed through poetry in a journal she calls adieu. **

I'm done  
Done caring  
Done loving  
Done thinking of him

It's not fair  
That he gets  
To feel nothing  
While I feel everything

I wish I could make up my mind  
Wish I knew what I felt  
One day I hate him  
The next, I love him

I'm looked upon  
With sadness  
With pity  
With fear

Damn this whole town  
I feel a need to leave  
Just a few more days  
Until I'm off

Europe is needed  
Carefree and wild  
I'll meet a boy  
He'll fix me up

But I know  
With sadness  
I'll never love him  
Not enough

I'm leaving you behind  
All of these thoughts in  
My mind  
They aren't coming

Forever peaceful  
I'll have Europe  
The turning point  
In the epic life  
Of me

I'm going to get better. That doesn't mean I'll move on, just means that I'll keep living my life.

AN: I'm getting rather fond of this story. It makes me feel better when I write this. I don't have any idea why, since I've never had a boyfriend like Jess and certainly one's never left me... I think that because poetry comes so naturally to me, that this story isn't a stressor. It's more of a stress reliever. I never have writers block. Also, sorry its been awhile since I've last updated. I've been pretty busy with Christmas and finals (ugh, can't wait until I graduate!). So I promise there will be a quick update for all those who wish for it. I'd like to point out that I am also a review-whore. You have to pay to read, and that payment is a review! =)


	11. Chapter 11

AN: sorry its been awhile.

* * *

Some people fear  
What they don't know  
They run away  
Scared out of their minds

I've felt the unknown  
Been to his house  
Had his hand on my back  
Looked into his eyes

But I didn't see  
The danger  
That everyone else  
Seemed to find

I saw a broken boy  
Who only knew  
Beatings, stealing,  
Anger and lies

Unpredictable, rash  
And seldom wise  
Sweet, mysterious,  
And self-destructing

The music played loud  
To block out  
All the sounds  
Of the memories  
Playing out like movies

But he, too  
Was afraid  
Of what he didn't know

So he ran  
As fast and  
As far as he could

Where he went  
Nobody knows  
But he's gone  
Like he wasn't there at all

But running  
It didn't take away  
Any of the fear

It just caused more pain  
And left others broken  
With despair

I'm beginning to understand Jess more. I don't think he left because he didn't care for me. I think he left because he was scared of me. Not of me, really, but of everything that are relationship required. I don't think he knows how to have a relationship.

He was messed up when he came here. I had always known that but I don't think I've ever realized how messed up he was. He didn't just do something stupid and get sent away. He came from a broken home and slowly started doing bad things, each one stupider than the next. He was trying to deal with a broken past.

I met his mother. She's… interesting. She mentioned how she wanted drugs- which explained a lot about Jess. He lived the life of the boy of a struggling addict.

I guess I understand- at least a little. Jess has never had a stable relationship, and maybe he was feeling too much at once. He was overwhelmed and scared. He didn't know how to react. He didn't know what to expect.

I guess I didn't help, either.

It's sad because the more I think about it, the more I realize. This was probably his first time saying "I love you" to anyone.

* * *

AN: This story is going to stop being so poetry based very soon. It may have poems in it still, but will focus more on Rory's day to day life (which, of course, is intertwined with my favorite town hooligan). PLEASE REVIEW!


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